


Storm The Crackhead House. He Can't Kill Us All.

by Solid_Cat



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Based on a dead meme, Corona Virus References, Crack, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Humor, It’s complete, M/M, Memes, Memetactular Adventure, My friend told me this was a good idea, dead memes, so here it is, when i brought it up to her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-01-05 03:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21206759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solid_Cat/pseuds/Solid_Cat
Summary: Mike Handjob accidentally makes a Facebook group event meant for his six friends public.So a raid happens on Neibolt street.





	1. The Raid

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on an instagram post. More specifically, an exchange I had with someone in the comments that gave me this idea.  
I asked the original poster of the instagram post if they want to be credited, however they have yet to respond, so I deleted the portions of the story that were direct references to their instagram post.

It's a normal day on planet Earth, or at least it should be. You know these things never really work out too well. Like, life in general is a huge disaster.

But today is a different breed of disaster, so that may surprise you.

It's summer vacation. Unless you're an adult who is not presently attending a higher education, then no such break exists for you. Sucks to be you, buddy. But alas, it's summer vacation.

And it's been 27 years since the incident. You know, the one with the killer clown. No! Not the strange clowns who appeared the highways to randomly to spook people, that one singular clown who murdered various minors in the town of Derry, Maine, during the 80's.

Haha nice.

Well, it has been 27 since then, and the clown is back. To murder more children, though he is willing to make the exception for adults.

Sucks to be you, Adrian Mellon.

This factoid is important as it relates to the Loser's Club. You know, the Loser's Club. Bill, Bev, Ben, Stan, Mike, Eddie, and Richie. Those kids. Well, now they're like forty, but some of you can't cease seeing them as smol baby beans Uwu, right? Focusing on what's important, the Loser's Club faced off this killer clown who wanted to devour them. How did they do it? By doing the most American thing and beating the shit out of it. Of course, that didn't subdue him forever. He's back. Not in black. And he's ready to kill more children, and some adults. So, the Loser's Club promised to return to murder his bitch ass if he came back. Because eating children isn't cool. And his bitch ass came back, so they have to murder it.

Having added all his Loser friends on Facebook Mike Handjob...sorry Mike Hanlon goes to create the Facebook group. And the name: Storm the Crackhead House, He Can't Kill Us All.

Roll credits.

The problem is that Mike made it public. So like everyone can see it. Yup, there it is. Up on Facebook for everyone and your mom to witness. The address of Derry, Maine. Neibolt street. Penis-Wise's sacred lair where he consumes all his Coke. It's goofy gorey fun. And for some reason, 2 million people signed up to go to this thing. Like actually. People genuinely believe that they're gonna storm a crackhead's house. Which should be illegal. But people are going anyways. So, hecc.

Soon enough, the Losers make their appearance at that Chinese restaurant they were planning to stay at. They’re lucky Mike made a reservation, because that shit is crowded.

“Uh......” Bill’s eyes scan the premises. “What the hecc happened here?”

“I accidentally made the Facebook event public and two million people ended signing up, so yeah, that’s essentially what ended up happening.” Mike explains nonchalantly before taking another sip of his cold beverage in an attempts to conceal his crippling guilt.

Beverly just laughs at the thought. Laughter is always a good way to deal with how painful things can be. And believe me, being an adult is super painful.

“Wait so instead of us dying...everyone else is gonna for with us? Oh yeah...that’s so fair.” Eddie just says, depressed beyond belief due to his unhappy marriage.

“Almost as fair as your mother’s playroom! Ohh!” Richie proclaims, raising his hand for a high five. Which is weird. Richie wants to sleep with both Eddie’s dead mother and then Eddie? Whoops. Spoiler. Talk about awkward. Or maybe it’s ploy to hide his anxiety causing homosexuality. Because people are dicks. 

Ben just politely lowers his arm for him.

“Doesn’t look like two million people to me. Wouldn’t there be more people?” He asks.

“Yeah, there should be. I guess most of them chickened out. Oh well, that’s less death on my hands.” Mike says.

“Wait a second....where’s Stanley? Shouldn’t he be here?” Bill asks.

“You’re right.” Ben Says.

“Don’t worry guys, I’m already on the job.” Richie says with a big shit eating grin as he gleefully types onto his phone’s screen.

As if on cue, the Loser’s phones go off with buzzes and beeps, all the while Beverly has a face that indicates that she shit herself.

Ben takes notice.

“Don’t worry, Bev.” He puts her hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure Stan’s just running late.”

“Richie!” Eddie groans in deep annoyance. “Stop blowing up the group chat. Just text him individually.”

Meanwhile Richie just looks like a big dick.

But yeah, the group chat has been spammed. With Richie texting:

Richie: “Stan”

Richie: “Stanley”

Richie: “Stanlet.”

Richie: “Stand”

Richie: “Bro.”

Richie: “Stan the Man.”

Richie: “Mr. Uris.”

Richie: “Where.”

Richie: “Were are you?”

Richie: “*Where”

Richie: “Sorry.”

Richie: “Typo.”

Richie: “My bad.”

Richie: “Stan, where are you?!”

Richie: “We’re all here.”

Richie: “Dickhead.”

Richie: “Breathing in that Derry air.”

Richie: “Bro wtf. You should be here.”

Bill just rolls his fucking eyes.

“I don’t think he’s gonna see that right away.” He just says.

“Better keep texting him then.” Richie exclaims.

“You’re not just texting him! You’re texting all of us!” Eddie complains.

“My gift to you, Spaghetti.” Richie replies and then he blows him a kiss.

A homie kiss. Duh. 🙄

“Well, I did have an idea for us to perform this old Native American ritual fetch quest in order to murder the clown, but since there’s so many people here in Derry, I don’t think it’s gonna be necessary.” Mike says.

“God...you’re gonna get everyone killed. It’s gonna be all over the news.” Eddie complains again.

“We’re gonna be famous!” Richie pumps his fist in the air.

“You’re already famous, jackass. You’re a comedian. And Bill’s an author.” Eddie just sighs.

“We can be even more famous.” Says Richie.

“I doubt you wanna be famous for your death.” Ben chimes in.

“Stan is dead!” Beverly just stands up, terror in her eyes. “I saw it when I saw into the deadlights. I saw all of us die. That’s why Stan’s not here.”

“Wow. Bummer.”

“Come on guys. We have to defeat Pennywise before anyone else dies. We have to go!” Mike exclaims.

The Loser’s all stand up. But a voice beckons them back.

“Uhh...guys...come back. I was supposed to spook you all.” Penis wise says from the box of Chinese cookies.

“Uh...th-then do it.” Bill replies.

“Well I’m busy right now! It’s kinda difficult when there’s already so many people here. Like dang, I’m pulling double duty!”

“Fuck off.”

Down to the crackhead house.

“Haha. Remember the last time we were here? We almost died. Hahaha. Good times.” Richie says.

“Beep beep.”

“Geez, just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Oh are we already starting the raid?” A random teenager with a crowbar asks. Behind her are five friends with various weapons of their own.

“It’s not a raid.” Mike Says.

“Oh oh oh. The raid is starting!” A couple more people exclaim. Soon enough, there’s at least a hundred people with their own weapons and everything.

“It’s not a raid! We’re just gonna murder a clown.” Mike shouts.

“Sounds fun.”

“It’s not supposed to be fun!”

“Just say it's a raid. Like we’re all already here dude.” Richie says, arm on Mike’s shoulder.

“Oh! Let's just do this thing!” Bill bursts the door open with his foot.

Everyone runs into the fucking house.

Spooky things start happening. Like the skateboards are bleeding. The ceiling is bleeding. Your socks are bleeding. Everything is bleeding.

"Aww come on! I thought this was supposed to be a real haunted house!" One of the raiders complains.

"It's not a haunted house!" Mike screeches to them.

"Yeah, remember, the Facebook event said this is a crackhead house. We're at a cocaine addict's house." Their friend says to them.

"Oh...that explains a lot." The first guy replies.

Winners don't do drugs.

"This is going horribly. Sooner or later, someone's gonna get hurt." Ben says, concerned.

"Shut up! No one's getting hurt! We just gotta kill the clown super fast!" Bill proclaims, running into another room.

Meanwhile, there's a scream from another room, then a loud CRUNCH.

"Ahh! I broke my leg."

"Been there. Done that." Eddie says, nonchalantly.

"We better follow Bill. There's no telling what sorta trouble he can get in without our help!" Mike exclaims.

The other Losers nod in agreement, running to catch up to Billy who is already jumping down the well. One of the raiders thinks it's a cool stunt, and they jump in with him. Their friends follow suit, and soon enough, everyone's jumping down the drain.

"He needs our help, guys!" Mike says, jumping in.

Ben and Bev run in together too, holding hands as they leap down the well.

"Wow, who would've guessed they were together?" Eddie appears astonished.

Richie scoffs. "It's all platonic, Eds. Homies always hold hands when they do dangerous stunts together." His tone doesn't sound serious, though he still grips Eddie's hands with a TOTALLY platonic affection. "Like this."

Eddie eyes him. "Stop being gay, Tozier, if you're not gonna say no homo."

Then they both leap into the well together.

Down in the sewers, there's a ton of raiders splashing around in shitty water. Who would've thought meme lords were down to anything? This is even worse than tide pods. But what if we dropped a couple tide pods into the shitty water? Hahah. Just kidding. Unless...

"Why is the narrator constantly going off on strange tangents?" Bev asks, nudging Ben.

"The narrator?" Ben looks confused. "What narrator?"

"Oh, I forgot I was the only one who looked into the dead lights. My bad."

"I wanna look into your dead lights, Eds!" Richie exclaims with a shit eating grin, as he looks into Eddie's eyes.

Eddie looks done with life.

"I meant to say your mom's dead lights."

Even Ben and Bev don't look convinced, but Eddie just nods with a quiet "Sure you did."

"What the is that even supposed to mean?" Ben whispers to Bev.

"He wants to look longingly into Eddie's eyes. Like this!" Bev caresses the side of face, staring into his eyes with her own. Like a staring contest. It's alluring at first, but soon becomes a bit creepy.

Ben panics and looks away, red in the face. "Okay."

"Like that."

"Hurry up guys! Bill's straight ahead!" Mike hollers for the Losers.

Meanwhile, a ton of children are still trudging around in the shitty water. Some of them are fending off monsters, but the Losers ignore that in favor of reaching Bill.

And there he is. Billiam.

"There he is!" Bill shouts at Pennywise.

Bev thinks "Why?" Then it begins. They final boss. Maybe y'all should've proceeded with the fetch quest. You could've used the exp from the mission to level up and be strong enough to kill this fucking clown. And this is hardcore mode too. There's no respawning here. The permadeath system is simply punishing.

"Okay...Richie! Say the thing!" Bill motions to Richard.

"You're gonna have to be specific, I saw a lot of things." Richie replies.

"The thing you said when we were kids. When we were down here!"

"You're lucky we're not measuring dicks?"

"No...the other thing!"

"Let's kill this fucking clown?"

"Yeah, but say it with more enthusiasm."

"You expect me to be enthusiastic about killing this fucking clown?"

"Just do it!"

"Let's kill this fucking clown!" Richie shouts, all happy go lucky like.

"Okay, and add that last part."

"Welcome to the Loser's Club, asshole!" Richie looks around. "Fuck there's no baseball bat."

Penis wise just laughs. "You think the six of you and your little meme minions are enough to kill me? I think not. All of you are pathetic." He exclaims in final boss glory.

"Penny wise! We meet again." Bill says, all cool like. 

"Indeed we do, Billaim."

"That's not my name."

"I don't care, but I didn't get the chance to make fun of you when we first got here, so let me do it right now." Penis wise says. "Hahahahaha! You used to be fat." He points to Ben. "Ahahahahah, your parents died." He points to Mike. "Hahahahaha, your dad was a dick." He points to Beverly. "Hahahahahah, you're afraid of germs." He points to Eddie. "MWHahahahahah a, I killed your baby brother." He points to Bill. "Hahahahaha you're gay!" He points to Richie.

"What? Gay? Me? Hahah, you silly old rascal." Richie laughs nervously. "You must be confusing me with someone else. I'm as heterosexual as they come." He looks to his friends. "Back me up, guys." He looks behind him.

Bev, Ben, and Eddie, are giving him "Are you kidding me?" Faces.

"Dude, none of us care if you're gay, but we need you to help us kill this bitch ass clown." Mike says.

"But I'm not gay, guys!"

"bUT iM nOT gAy GUys!" Pennywise mocks.

"Hey, dudes, I think that guy over there is gay." One of the raiders points to Richie.

"Oh, isn't that the comedian from Tv?"

"Yeah! It's Richie Tozier! The comedian! He's gay!"

"I stan a queer icon."

"Richie Tozier came to the raid?"

"Wasn't Keanu Reeves coming to this thing too?"

Richie just sighs in defeat. "Fuck yeah I'm gay! That means I'm happy to kick your ass!"

And then the final battle commences! The techno music is loud! The Raiders scream, hitting Penis Wise with their crowbars, and yo-yo s, and frying pans, and baseball bats, and all sorts of assorted weapons.

"I really think it would've been a good idea to bring a firearm of some sort." Mike mentions.

"Are you kidding, that would be so controversial?" Ben argues. "Then we'd really be famous for sure."

“You mean ‘infamous’.” Bill chimes in.

Then Pennywise's health is dwindled enough that he evolves into the next boss state. Spider Wise. Okay, but wtf? 

"I h8 spiders!" Says a raider. And Pennywise's spider sona does a lot of damage to their health. Enough so, that the Losers and a couple raiders go to hide behind some rocks.

"Okay guys...we're all unprepared as fuck. What the hell do we do?" Bill asks.

"Let's die. Hahaha lol." One of the raiders says. "Le mayo"

"Dude, I can't die. I have to go home to my wife. That I love a lot." Eddie says with a false pride.

The Losers look at him.

"You mean your controlling wife?" Another Raider asks. She somehow knows.

"She's not controlling, she just monitors every thing I do...and I basically married my mom...fuck."

"Talk about Oedipus Rex taken to-" Richie begins only to be interrupted by a "beep fucking beep."

The losers look to who said it. It's Stan the Man.

"You're alive!" Bev's eyes sparkle with amazement.

"You're here!" Bill chimes in.

"You're wearing that lame shower cap." Richie adds.

"They're not lame. Unlike you, I came prepared. These caps are enchanted with bane of arthropods. Wear them, and Penis's powers are useless on you." Stan exclaims, handing them out to his friends and the raiders who are sitting with them. They all put them on. He gives the bucket of caps to a raider, saying "Give this armor into everyone in the vicinity, in order to increase our power."

The raider nods, and he runs off throwing shower caps everywhere.

"Stan, we thought you died. What happened?" Mike asks.

"I did die, but the power of memes brought me back. Now I'm here, and together we can kill Pennywise for good." Stan says.

And everyone charges, giving Peniswise all that they got. Then his last bit of HP is dwindled to zero, and soon enough it's time for victory screech. Everyone spams the clown emoji in the chat, and that's what truly does that killer clown in. He dies.

"Billiam." Penis wise looks at Bill.

"That's not my name."

"I don't feel so good."

Bill rolls his eyes, ripping out Pennywise's heart, and killing him once the heart is squished.

FATALITY.

Then, an Earthquake starts. Everything is shaking, and falling apart. It's totally dangerous.

"We have to get out of here. The shower caps won't be enough to protect us now!" Stan screams.

"It's the final escape level." Richie adds.

Everyone nods and they all run out of the sewers. Out of the crackhead house. Out onto the street, where they all watch the crackhead house come crumbling down. It folds in on itself, destroying itself. It's done. The raid done.

"The raid was successful!" All the raiders begin cheering.

"We did it guys! We stormed the killer crack head. The power of memes was enough to defend all of us!" The losers all hug.

"And I thought this generation was going to hell! Guess I was wrong!" Richie proclaims.

"Hahaha!" His friends all laugh. "Classic Richie!"

The End.

"Nah, I feel there's some loose ends that need to be tied up." Bev interrupts the happily ever after.

"Who are you talking to?" Stan asks.

"The narrator. The dead lights gave me the power to see into the fourth wall." Beverly says, before she pulls Ben into a kiss.

"Beverly!" He exclaims.

"Yeah dude, we're cannon." And then they kiss again.

Everyone just stares and then they all clapped. And then everybody clapped.

Richie laughs. "Haha," he nudges Eddie. "What if WE kissed at the Storm The Crackhead House raid? Haha. Just kidding Eds."

"Unless?" Eddie asks.

And then the two kiss.

"Damn it, now I owe Stan fifty bucks." Bill complains reaching into his wallet.

Now that's the real the end right? No more loose ends. Right, then all the raiders and the losers, lived happily ever after. The end.

Until it's time to storm the Vatican archives.

The end?


	2. The Continuing Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wanted to continue this strange Raider AU.

Turns out you can’t storm a crackhead’s house without the media getting involved in your biznizz. Stupid Mike Handjob. You really should have thought this through. Baka!

“Jesus Christ!” Beverly screams in complaint of my loud ass voice.

“Cheese and rice!” Richie hollers just as loud, mimicking her tone.

Then the News reporter generic vehicle rolls up, as a white van. Well, that’s shady af.

Reporters pile out onto Neibolt street, cameras and mikes lol no I mean mics in hand. And those cameras and mics are shoved into the loser’s faces. Also the zoomer and millennial falcon’s faces.

Jajaja.

“Did you Naruto run into the house?” A reporter asks Richie.

“No, but I Naruto sucked your mother. With my arms flailing behind me and everything.” Replies the comedian.

And Eddie Kaspbrak sheds a single tear. What a dick move. Guess that's what you get for liking dick.

Not all men? Yeah, I guess you're right. Bob Ross would never do this to me!

“What would you call this entire event in a nutshell.” Another reporter asks a raider.

“Arthur.” They reply.

“Is it true that you are a Russia bot?” Yet another reporter asks Mike.

“Uhhh?” He just pauses in complete and utter disbelief, absolutely broken and left with nothing to say, with a poker face resembling the most deadest of individual. Holy ever loving India cows. Because India cows are really beloved. Just ask-.

“Just shut up!” Screams Beverly! At nothing. Everyone stares in amazement, and astonishment. But the reporter still has her Mike pointed at mic. No wait, other way.

“Uh! Are you even looking at him?! You think he’s Russian, let alone a bot?” A raider shouts and suddenly a camera is shoved in his face.

Richie laughs, causing Eddie to elbow him. “You think this is funny, dickwad?”

“Eww, don’t do that. I thought we were romantically involved so all the mean stuff was supposed to vanish.”

“That’s not how that works.” The hypochondriac replies.

“Oh well...” Richie pauses. “The only Russian here is me and my buddies. Because we’re all Russian the hell out of here!” He firmly grasps it Eddie’s hand as he shouts “Run everyone! Get the hell out of dodge!”

And he takes off running, dragging his Eddie Spaghetti close behind. The rest of the Losers and the raiders all take off as well.

Being young, they all look up to Trashmouth Tozier as the Zoomer Jesus/Buddha /Cthulhu/father figure he is to them. Because I can’t hire John Mulaney to be here.

They run into the woods, all panting furiously. The losers have managed to make it to the club house. Some raiders were left behind in the chase. But many are still here. Well whatever, they’re all just extras anyways. Lazy gen z. Not all zoomers, you say? You're right. Greta Thunberg would never do this to me.

“We won, but at what cost?” Bill says, looking into the horizon dramatically, in tortured protagonist fashion. Talk about first world problems. 

“What do you mean what cost? We killed the killer clown. We prevented him from murdering any more children in the future.” Eddie complains, cutting straight through that bullshit.

“Yeah dude!” Richie chimes in.

“We did a good thing.” Says Ben.

“We avenged Georgie!” Adds Stan.

“Yes.” Said a raider.

“Chin up Bill!” Continued Bev.

“We won.” Finishes Mike.

Now that you’ve all said one line each-

“Wait a second...it’s still talking to me.” Beverly scratches at her forehead.

“Beverly, are you okay?” Ben asks in a sweetly concerned manner, wholesomely putting his macho greek deity athlete handsome model hands onto her shoulders out of love and worry. And concern. And also fear. 

“I’m fine, but that strange voice hasn’t stopped. Ever since we got called back here, it’s been going off and off.”

“Sounds like you’re schizophrenic.” Says a raider.

“But I’m not. It talks like...it knows things...it predicts things. I can’t...I don’t get it.”

Whoops. I’m gonna shut up now.

“Beverly, whatever what has it been saying?” Ben asks.

“A bunch of nonsense jokes. And weird tangents. But it narrates what happens as it’s happening. I know all of you can’t hear it because I’m the only one who looked into the dead lights, but what is it?”

“Whatever it is...it sounds like-“ Mike is cut off by the arrival of more reporters.

“Hey guys...it was nice and all to learn all about this disembodied voice and all that but methinks we should scramble egg ourselves out of here.” Richie announces.

“Anything you say Tozier-Sama!” Says a Richie Tozier stan.

Eddie makes a face, meanwhile Stan just pouts.

“Not funny. Didn’t laugh.”

And hey all skedaddle skadoodle, your ding dong noodle, their way out of there.

* * *

Back in the streets of Derry, Maine, reporters are busy interviewing everyone. Residents of the city. Zoomer and millennial raiders. Stephen King himself. Wow. That guy looks familiar. 👀

Guess none of the reporters recognize him. Uncultured swine.

This brings up the unanswered question. If at least hundreds of people knew about this raid, then how come the reporters were late to the party? And why are things from 2019 being referenced in the year this takes place in 2017? And why-

“You think you’re being clever, but the truth is that you aren’t.” Bev says, her eyes directed towards the sky.

“The voice again?” Mike asks.

“Yes.”

“Well, what if we destroy it in order to get it to shut the fuck up.” Richie proclaims with a sense of swagger. Swagger. Haha. Who uses that term? Boomers?

Shut up. That’s a dead meme. The fact that you acknowledge it isn’t funnier either.

Why am I talking to myself?

“You really think that we could destroy the voice in Bev’s head?” Ben questions, ultra concerned boyfriend mode. Are they official.

“Of course!” A Richie Tozier stan exclaims, sitting by the comedian’s feet.

“He is but the most wondrous of people. He is always right!” Chimes in another stan. But not Uris.

“Richie, can you get rid of these children?” Eddie asks in a manner that indicates all the Tozier stans are pissing him off. Okay, then go piss you ding dong. Hong Kong.

“That’s abortion, and I’m offended.” Gasps the first stan. 

“No it’s not, dumbass.” Says the other stan.

“This is a loser’s club meeting kids, and we’d really appreciate it if you guys gave us some privacy.” Bill states, harem protagonist tone. Truly is the main guy, with main guy charm.

“Okay Bungalow Bill.” Says Raider One.

“What did ya kill!? Bungalow Billllllllllll!” Sings the other and the two skip off into a non shady alley like two two year olds wearing tutus too, to skip together. Tu.

“I killed a killer clown.” Bill sighs.

“At no cost, by the way. If we hadn’t killed that sloppy bitch, he would have killed like twenty kids again, Billy Boy. We performed a public service.” Richie exclaims.

“I hate to say it, but Richie’s actually right, Bill.” Stan adds. But not the stan.

“I just mean, what’s the aftermath? Like we’re gonna be hunted down by the news media for the rest of our lives.” The author explains.

“The alternative is child murder, and if you ask me, America already has enough of that with all these school shooters going around.” Richie says, cutting through more bullshit. “I may say stupid shit, but occasionally I say something something insightful.”

“Wow, Richie. That was very-“ Eddie begins, pausing to look away with a twinkle in his hypochondriac eyes. “You’re actually ready smart.”

“I know. I got my PHD from Joe.” Richie says with a shit eating grin.

“Who’s-“ Eddie begins, only to be elbowed by Stan who’s shaking his head furiously as a tale of caution. Another victim. Wow, and these are adults?

“We were talking about killing the voice in my head.” Beverly nags. No. Don’t kill me. I’m too sexy. Ahaha. “Jesus Christ.”

“Cheese in rice.” Richie says.

“Well, if we killed Pennywise, we can definitely get rid of the voice if that’s what you want.” Mike Says.

“But what will killing the voice even do? Will it really grant us a happy ever after?” Ben gets all philosophical. What a hippie! Not hippo. Not after his glow up. Beverly bits her lip. She can hear me. 

“Of course it will. That’s the American way. Killing! Also stealing. Oh, and let’s not forget lying to the general public. Picking a scapegoat to blame for a specific problem. Also, sexism-”

“Okay Richie, we get it.” Interrupts Bill.

“Uh...all that stuff doesn’t just apply to America.” Adds Ben.

“I know that, guys! But you’re supposed to give the country you live in constructive criticism so it can get better. Not just defend it to death and declare anyone who disagrees unpatriotic. Everybody knows that!” Richie exclaims.

“More like everyone forgets that.” Stan deadpans, exerting big dick energy. 

“Anyways, if we were powerful enough to kill Penis Wise, then the sky’s the limit!” Richie exclaims. “But Mike will have to do it.”

“What? Why me?”

“You’re the most powerful out of all us. You’re the only one who can say the N-Word!” Trashmouth has a shit eating grin.

“Stop saying shit like that! It’s so unfunny and all your stupid stans will turn on us for being politically incorrect!” Eddie complains. They’re like a married couple. Imagine. It’s easy if you try. 

“I’m a comedian. You can’t expect me to be politically correct. And I’m gay so I can joke about minorities all I want.” Richie proclaims with the trademark Tozier cockiness. Because this man likes cock. I mean. The joke is-

“Richie, shut the fuck up.” Stan deadpans again. Big alpha male reproductive organ energy. Picking up good vibrations. Giving me excitations. OOM BOP BOP. 

“Well, I don’t know if I’m powerful enough to kill it, but I guess we can figure out how.” Mike brings up.

“And how do you intend to figure out how?” Stan crosses his arms in the chad style.

“The only arbitrary way that any of us learn anything in this town.” Mike replies. Putting on some black sunglasses.

“The American educational system?”

“Haha. Good one Richie.” Stanley laughs. 

Yes, well, this man’s profession is literally mass producing good ones. It’s just a difficult task, but this is the life he has chosen.

* * *

At the Derry public library, the Loser’s Club, along with some Richie Tozier stans, and raiders (because just because you’re a raider doesn’t make you a stan) have boarded up the window, hiding themselves from the world of cable news. Here they are, being all golden trio like. Looking through library books for info that doesn’t come from Alex Jones.

Yucky.

Hey shouldn’t Bill have stans as well? Ehh probably not. Well...maybe. As long as he doesn’t begin diagnosing every character in his books with big gay, he probably has stans.

JK! lol.

“It’s a real shame that the generic news people are generically evil. You’d think there’d be a greater threat after Penis Wise.” Mike proclaims.

“That’s because they’re not the final boss. The real final boss is Beverly’s schizophrenia!” Richie exclaims. Eddie elbows him in the chest.

“Non existent Christ. Maybe I should have stayed dead.” Stanley complains.

“Cu-Cum-Come on guys. We gotta split up and do research on schizophrenia to help Bev out.” Bill stutters.

“Lol.” Says a Tozier stan.

Eddie cringes so hard that his insides turn inside out but only metaphorically. Not literally. We’re not messing with Eddie’s internal organs in this AU. I promise.

And thus, the Loser’s Club, plus the Richie Tozier stans split up around the library in order to search the various books for clues.

Bill grumbles as he angrily throws book after book off the shelves.

“This is all crap!” The harem leader complains.

“Dude, stop messing up the books! What’s wrong?” Mike asks.

“None of the books here were written by me!” The leader shouts.

“Jesus!”

“You spent school hating books, and now you write them.” Says Stan.

“Nah, you’re confusing me with Richie. Do not confuse me with Richie. He’s a gremlin. I’m not.” Bill argues.

Meanwhile Richie throws a book at Eddie’s face.

“Hey Spaghetti!” Exclaims the fully grown gremlin.

Eddie grabs the cover, looking down at it. “Fifty shades of gray?”

Hella abusive. Not Richie, the book I mean. Richie’s Daddy.

Trashmouth flirtatiously raises his eyebrows at the Spaghetti man. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“I get that you’re trying to be sexy, but my wife reads this crap, so it’s not working, Rich.” Eddie laughs. Oh. That killed my boner. 

“It’s a real tragedy that your Hut of a wife tickles her clit imagining you were a christian of the grey variety!”

“Shut the fuck up man!” Eddie exclaims.

“Make me!” Proclaims the comedian.

Oh my god! By shipper’s logic, that means they’re about to kiss! They’re about to kiss!

But instead, Eddie breaks out and tickles Richie. The comedian dies laughing. Not literally. I am not killing one of these gay bastards in this au. I promise.

Bev looks at a book. A reading rainbow.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Asks Ben, sitting by her side. Smol bean with abs he is. So...big bean. 

“As well as I can be, but it’s all very difficult when this disembodied voice keeps shouting things into my head.” Bev admits.

“It’s the deadlights right?”

“Yeah.” The red head replies, leaning her head against Ben’s shoulder.

“Losers! I think I found something!” Exclaims a raider.

The gang gathers around the book that the raider read.

* * *

“So basically, Bev is hearing the words of a disembodied turtle that narrates things.” Stan summarizes as he slowly shuts the book.

“Dafaq!?”

“Oh my god!”

“That’s weird. AF.”

Yeah. I’m actually Maturin the God of turtles. Lol. Rawr XD

“But how the hell! The dead lights were Penis Wise’s shtick. How the hell does a turtle fit into this?” Beverly exclaims.

“I dunno!” Stan raises his arms.

Bill opens the book again, flipping to the previous page when suddenly the library door slams the fuck open. And in the doorway stands Audra, Bill’s wife who didn’t matter up until this point. And also, Patty, Stan’s wife. And then there’s also Eddie’s wife. I forgot her name. Oh wait, it’s Myra. And also Beverly’s husband because technically, they didn’t legally divorce. Tom. And umm..also Henry Bowers with untied shoe laces. Because I forget he was a minor antagonist. And also all the news media who hassled them earlier. And also the police. And also Richie’s nonexistent girlfriend who caught him masturbating to her friend’s Facebook page.

Damn, that’s a big doorway.

“Uh, wtf?!”

The losers all react in varying degrees of confusion and confuzzlement.

“Floo powder doo! Disapparate us the hell out of here!” Exclaims a raider who had grabbed the book in the chaos, and read the secret enchantment to teleport them to my world. :O.

And the losers + raiders are all sucked into a vortex.

* * *

In the special dimension. I’m here, floating in my giant turtle form!

Hi guys! I wave to all of them with my giant turtle arm thing.

“There it is! Attack it!” Bill points at me in a mean manner.

:0

Richie throws plastic straws at me like a goblin! Ouch! That hurts. Stan starts singing darude sandstorm, summoning a flock of birds who all peck at me. 😔 Stan was my third favorite. That's what really hurts me.

Beverly! Tell them to stop! I'm not malicious or anything. It's just Penis Wise was like my soul mate but instead of us being in love, we were mortal enemies. Our nemesis bond connected me to his dead lights and when you looked into them, you became connected to me. Maybe I can be pretty annoying. But you shouldn't kill me. I can assist you in destroying your abusive soon to be ex husband and other crap.

Beverly clutches at her head. "You're doing it again! Why can't you shut the hell up!?"

Everyone looks at her.

I find it difficult to be quiet. Just look at your friend Richie. He's worse than me.

Bev rolls her eyes.

Okay. Okay. Well, I guess I'll have to break our bond. Woop!

I point my flipper fin at her and electricity comes out and bam! Presto. The link has been severed. And before anyone asks, no I couldn't have done that earlier. Geez, we had to be next to each other. >:(

Can you hear me?

Beverly looks around in amazement. "Guys, stop. The turtle broke the the link. I can't hear it anymore. Stan call off the birds!"

Stanley stops singing, and like that, the birds cease attacking me. Phew. That was a close one. The bourgeoisie birds are enemies of mine. They disgust me. 

Here guys, lemme take y'all home.

And with a swipe of my arm fin, I teleport them all back to the Derry Maine library.

* * *

Back at the library, everyone is extremely fucking confused.

"Uh, wtf? Jesus, maybe some of the Coke from that crack head's house got into my system. It's been a long day." Exclaims a raider. A Freudian slip.

"Losers! I'll kill ya!" Screams Henry Bowsers, holding an old ass knife. He charges towards the gang, only to trip on his untied shoelaces, falling onto the sharp part of his weapon, stabbing himself in the gut.

I only promised not to mess with Eddie's organs. You see, this is why we DON'T run with sharp objects in our hands. Dumbass.

The news media shoves a variety of cameras in his face, as one raider calls an ambulance.

"That was surprisingly anticlimactic." Says Bill.

"Takes one to know one, Bill." Retorts Audra, standing there with her arms snarkily crossed as she gazes upon the others.

"Ooh!" Goes Richie and some of his stans, and they all proceed to exchange high fives. That was a joke about Bill in the bedroom for those of you that didn’t catch on. The Billroom? More like the EWW room. He’s heterosexual? Eww! 

"Audra! What are you doing here!?" Asks the author.

"I came to drag you home, dumbass. Why the hell did you walk out on filming to raid some jackass crack addict's house!?"

"Well, to be fair, we did it for the greater good. And I feel no remorse for my actions." Replies Bill.

Audra makes a "Are you fucking kidding me?” face. And no, no one is fucking kidding her. No one is kidding her. And no one is definitely fucking her. Look at Bill! So in conclusion, no one is fucking kidding her. 

"Beverly! You can't fucking walk out on me!" Screams her crazy soon to be ex, charging in with a belt. But he's doing in public, so, stupid. 

But since he removed his belt, his pants fall down in public, and everyone can see his tighty whities. ANd his tiny PEE PEE. How embarrassing! :D The raiders all take turns kicking him. They don't condone abuse. And the camera news cast shoves cameras in his face.

Okay.

Bev puts an arm around Ben and the two lean on one another.

"Stan! Thank god you're okay!" Patty exclaims as she all but leaps into the man's arms. Stan happily embraces his wife, and everyone smiles. And then everybody clapped.

Well except for...

"Eddie Bear! Oh, I found you. What the hell did you think you were doing?!"

The spaghetti man stares down at his feet before working up the courage to look his mom wife in the eyes, old Oedipus Rex style. Except, didn't he gouge out his eyes?

"I'm walking out on you Myra! Our relationship is over, and I want a divorce." The hypochondriac proudly proclaims, grabbing Richie's hand and tenderly squeezing it.

"Nice one, Eddie Bear." Whispers the comedian.

"Oh shut up."

Mike is also there, but he's just standing there like he's waiting for the teacher to tell the class to quiet down so he can start his PowerPoint presentation.

And they would've lived happily ever after, but like all the news and junk shot all that shit. So everyone got hella exposed.

* * *

Across Twitter, across Facebook. Across Fox News, and even those bizarre ass YouTube drama channels, everyone has become aware of the now famous, or infamous raid on Neibolt street.

Everyone proclaims that they battled a killer clown who has a side hustle as a crack cocaine addict. That they all broke into his now nonexistent house. They all watched him become a spider into the spider verse. And with his great power, came their great responsibility to murder him, as he had a bad habit of killing innocent children.

So that story ran on CNN a lot. They made a big deal that Bungalow Bill the author, and Trashmouth Tozier the subject of worship of many a Zoomer. 

This was more fun than the time I discovered how to integrate, meaning I can essentially do backwards derivatives. But it wasn't as fun as the time I went to Disneyland and there wasn't a line for Space Mountain. So well...there's that. It's in Paris...so that's why there wasn't a line. It doesn't count.

Speaking of Europe.

"Europe Penis. Like you're a penis." Exclaims Richie as he pushes Eddie's luggage into the top flight compartment thing. I don't know what it's called.

"More like you're a dick, Trashmouth." Eddie retorts.

"You want your dick in my Trashmouth? Because the reason they call me-"

"Beep beep, Richie." Complains Stan, who is sitting behind Eddie, alongside his wife, Patty.

"Yeah, beep beep." Adds Bill who is sitting in front of them, next to Mike.

"Okay, okay!" Whines the comedian.

"And here I thought you working on your own material would be good for you, Rich!" Taunts Beverly, sitting across duo with Ben right next to her. He snickers at her words.

"Lol." Remarks a stan.

And where is our motley crew? Why, American Airlines of course. Going to raid the Vatican Archives, because damn it, that's the sequel that really needs to be made.

The Loser's club raids the Vatican Archives. The Loser's Club in Europe. Let's go fam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next and final chapter will feature the Loser's Club having European adventures, and eventually raiding the vatican archives.


	3. The Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Losers raid the Vatican Archives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm hella late. But here it is. The final chapter.

As may or may not or may or may not but let's face it, you already know, life is goddamn unpredictable. Maybe there's a person who dies all of a sudden. Maybe there's a pandemic sweeping the world. Haha. In 2017? Lmao.

Maybe someone doesn't update their fanfiction as scheduled. Hahah. What kind of asshole would do something of the sort? Well, whatever the issue may be, the most prominent and notorious issue of them all is the fact that Vatican City has secrets. Secrets completely unknown to mankind. But not just mankind, but also the womankind, and the childrenkind as well.

That's why our beloved Loser's Club is here, partially queer. They along with their memetastic gang of stans. To uncover the treasure of the secrets of Catholicism. Mmm. Yes. Catholicism.

Whether you're a Mexican Catholic or an Irish Catholic or whatever kinds of Catholics God invented, you feel some sort of guilt for the sins of humanity.

Let me tell you little Tommy, you can't be blaming yourself for climate change. Or Chernobyl. Or the rape of Naking. Or your parent's unhappy marriage. Clearly all of that is the fault of that rich oil baron across the street who lives in his mansion while simultaneously wanting to tear down the community library to build another factory that will grind kittens into dollar bills.

We're off topic.

The Loser's Club! You know the Loser's Club. Why else would you be reading fanfiction about them? Weirdo. Bill, Ben, Bev, Eddie, Mike, Richie, and Stan. Our beloved middle aged human disasters. Boy, do we love them so!

Well, lucky for you loser lovers, they're about to embark on an unimaginable adventure. One that shall change the course of human history before you know it. Prepare to have your socks knocked off, because they're about to spill all that Vatican Tea, Sis.

* * *

“Ri-CHEEE! Would ya STOP?!?!” Eddie complains very lovingly loud. At the top of his lungs, one might even say. How’s he supposed to perform gas exchange?

Richie, the middle aged goblin of the East has a caca consuming smile on his 30-40 something year old mug. He’s been sprinkling little kisses on his mister’s mug.

The rest of the loser’s club marches confidently ahead, meanwhile, the loser’s stans are all snapping photos on their phones like the paparazzi they claim to despite. Posers.

“Ahh, but Eds!” The comedian coos. “Yer so cute!”

“Stop teasing me, you ASSHOLE!” The germaphobe screams. Germaphobe. That’s going to be a necessary survival trait in the year 2020.

“Get a room, will ya?” Beverly cheekily calls from in front.

“No wait. I need more shipping fuel for up and coming telenovela au fanfic.” One of the Reddie stans says from behind.

“Nah-ah! I want everyone to know that this spaghetti man is insufferably adorable!” Richie exclaims to Bev.

The redhead only shakes her head, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, well, cut it out, you big Dumbass.” Eddie insults.

“Yeah cut it out, Richie. That’s clearly pda, and it’s inappropriate.” Stan says sternly.

“Ahh, but Stanley, you gotta admit, it’s kinda sweet to see how much Richie cares about Eddie.” Patty remarks. Yeah, in case you forgot, Patty is here as well.

“No, but Stan’s right. We’re about to enter the Vatican City, and as soon as we do, if they sense any gay shenanigans a foot, the pope will be on us faster than you can say, lemons.” Mike remarks.

“Lemons?!” Asks Fuuka Yamagishi from Persona 3 dancing. She’s also there.

“Guess we’re gonna have to play the no homo card to prevent detection, Eds.” Richie says, looking into his beloved’s eyes. Eddie flustered, averts his gay gaze.

“Beverly, I love you. No homo.” Ben says to his January embers beauty. Beverly snorts.

“No homo indeed.”

“Guys, we’re here!” Exclaims Bill.

And Bill not Nye the writer guy is complete and extremely correct. That’s a different level of correct you couldn’t possibly understand or comprehend. Sort of like spectating Rigormortus with an embarrassingly low IQ.

But the Loser’s are here. Partially queer. Ready to infect the Vatican Archives with the power of meme. The question is, will the power of memes be enough to conquer Catholicism?

* * *

Walking through Vatican City is a new kind of strange that is completely indescribable to the human soul. Take my word for it. You’ll never comprehend the power of religion. Not until you become a level five friend with Jesus, and that would be very difficult seeing as SPOILERS FOR THE BIBLE, Jesus is dead.

F in the chat boys.

Vatican City? I wanna see Suffragette City with the Starman!

The second strangest thing about the Vatican City is all the enemies laying about. Free exp, if you ask me. The LOSERS seem to think so too. Ahh, yes. *inhale* The losers. It’s like a JRPG up here. The losers, and Patty, along with the stans, take the time to battle the various Vatican thug enemies in order to make it to the final boss, whoever they may be. The hella cool battle music plays as the losers hack and slash their way through the enemies in a Scott Pilgrim-y fashion. Stan summons his birds to attack. Mike exposits at the enemies to distract them. Richie uses his secret Street Fighter Knowledge. Beverly attacks them with her fists. Bill throws books at the enemies. Ben uses his knowledge of architecture to fight, and Eddie sprays the enemies with lysol. Patty just shoots the enemies with her gun that she carries, because she’s intelligent. The Stans have assorted yo-yos, crowbars, baseball bats, and other weapons to use for the sweet arbitrary JRPG grind.

At one point, a stan throws a healing potion at Richie, badly damaged from one of the higher leveled goons. And he goes “Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am!”

“The enemies are getting harder. That means we’re going in the right direction!” Mike announces to everyone.

There’s a firm shake of the head, and the gang continues down the path they’re taking.

* * *

As the Loser’s club hikes up throughout the Vatican City, the enemies get harder and harder.

That’s what she said.

The enemies also go up in rank. From low level bishops to higher level archbishops and everything in between. The boss music is just the organ. Like that organ track that plays during the third phase of the final boss of Final Fantasy six.

“Oh Christ, these enemies are impossible.” Richie complains.

“Well we came to the Vatican City. Obviously they have secrets they want to protect.” Mike reminds the comedian.

“For peacekeepers, they sure do resort to a lot of violence, don’t you think?” Ben mentions causally, wiping the sweat from his brow.

“Again, the power of secrecy overrides the power of pacifism. People will go to great lengths to keep a secret.” Mike says.

The gang keeps going until they reach St. Peter’s Basilica’s dome. Then!

A swarm of archbishops come out from the woodwork, all holding crosses and bibles in their hands. With the power of god on their side, it’s looking rough.

But the stans have the power of anime on their side.

The stans Naruto run into the archbishops, ready for combat.

“They’re sacrificing themselves for us?” Bill asked.

“They’re keeping the enemies busy. We’d better find the archives and uncover the secrets while the enemies are at bay.” Beverly suggests.

The Losers and Patty all run towards the church.

* * *

Within the Vatican Church stands the maybe baby final boss. Kefka. Final fantasy villain that is not sexy like Sephora off. Go off.

“Alrighty then, guys, let’s fight another fucking clown!” Bill exclaims.

“Yeah!” The rest of the Loser’s Club exclaims like a posse of feral middle schoolers but instead of middle school they’re middle aged. With their fists gloriously pumped towards the sky, they charge on.

The turn based JRPG battle screen pops off.

Bill, the main party member, equips Eddie, Mike, and Patty. This leaves Richie, Stan, Beverly, and Ben to fight off the goons in the background that have previously gone unmentioned.

Also, unmentioned, the most gorgeous architecture of the church. Simply gorgeous! Say what you want about the Catholics, but you simply can’t deny they are a dedicated fandom. A lot of the Bible fanart and other fan works are amazing. I mean, paradise lost is basically bible fanfic about a sexy bad boy named Lucifer. And god is his daddy.

Weird tangent, I know, but what did you expect from an It Chapter 2 crack fic about a dead meme from last year?

All we need is Harambe up here.

Bill uses his books with terrible endings to attack but it’s not very effective. Lucky, Fuuka the navigator comes on over the communications.

“Losers! The enemy is weak to anime!” Ironic.

Patty, the ultimate Stan stan because she married him, throws out a poke ball with Vaporeon, it kills Kefka.

With that, the rest of the Losers run towards the archives.

* * *

“Guys we finally made it!” Mike exclaims.

As the Losers glance down towards a chest,

Bill opens it, Zelda style, but there is nothing inside.

“Uhh, what the fuck?”

“No, Losers, don’t you see? The real treasure is the friends we made along the way!” Patty Uris exclaims.

Everyone nods in agreement and they all hug platonically.

“Wait, but what about the secrets?” Ben asks.

“Oh secrets?” Pope Francis appears. “They’re all basically that Catholicism has committed bad acts in the past. But you all know that. You can’t expect an authority to uphold moral values 100% of the time. All authority is capable of committing heinous atrocities. That’s no secret, obviously. What matters most is that people stand together and united in order to properly commend these heinous acts. No secret can ever be truly buried, and when these bad acts come to light, everyone comes together and demands change happen in order for change to happen. That’s what we’re doing right now, and change will happen. Slowly. It always takes time, and that can be infuriating, but if we keep at it together, then change will happen, and our descendants will be better off for it. 

Then Bill and Mike got married.

Sure why not?

* * *

You know, when Jason Dean, who goes by the nickname JD, sang in the Heathers Musical that it was guaranteed we’d never see our senior prom, I didn’t think it would hit so hard.

Pour one out for the class of 2020. Fellow seniors, I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I highkey procrastinated on posting this. I had it finished for a while.


End file.
